The quest continues

The other day I was dropping Sydney off at the UT Testing center and we had a few minutes to wait until they opened the doors, so I picked up this copy of their continuing education catalog. I was intrigued by the clever dog on the cover.

Just a quick glance through this thing tells me that the folks at UT are probably way more interested in making money than in furthering your education. Either that or there's a bunch of wackos running things over there.

Featured on the cover is, "Choosing Video Games for Your Family." It costs $28. Now, maybe this is just too obvious for most people, but I have Google. And I bet I can find about ten free ways to learn how to buy video games for my family. Right here at my desk.

One class idea that catches my eye is, "Creatively Express your Chronic Pain." Quite the bargain at $28. In my mind, I'm imagining a room full of people with flair pens, trying not to stab each other in the thigh with them. I'm imagining a lot of anger in this room. (I get pissed off when I hurt, don't you?)

A class that I don't think I want to take is "Submission Grappling." I don't want to know what submission grappling is (hint: it includes shootwrestling.) But in case you do, it's $68. Also, Training Uniform Optional for $65.

I keep expecting to turn the page and find a "Growing Grass in Your Backyard" class or a workshop on "How to Watch Television."

Here's one called Orienteering: it's considered a "Thinking Sport." Heh. "It's a road rally on foot. It's a treasure hunt in the woods. During class, you will learn about the sport of orienteering and how to read a map and a compass." Um, where were you in 4th grade? "The key..." to Orienteering, "...is more the ability to make wise decisions rather than the ability to run like a deer." Whew. That's a relief.

And then there's "Canine Massage" for only $40. Now - show of hands - who thinks their dog will sit still for a massage? I have enough trouble once a month trying to get them to let me squeeze just 2.7 ml of flea medication between their shoulder blades. Even when they slow down long enough to be petted they're making figure eights around my legs and jumping up on my lap and then jumping down and generally not interested, I don't think, in a massage. But what were you gonna do with that $40 anyway?

Here's one called, "Yes, You Can Juggle!" Um, no you can't. Don't even bother to try.

Or the closely related, "You Can Do Magic!" Well, maybe. But please don't.

How about, "Soybean Candlemaking - Intro." Did you know that "Soybean candles are the newest innovation in the candle industry"? No, I didn't even know there WAS a candle industry. This exciting class costs $48, but you also have to bring $48 for materials. (Why didn't they just make the cost of the class $96?) Also, this is an intro class, but there's no "Soybean Candlemaking - The Advanced Class." You just get the intro and you're on your own.

But my personal favorite is this one: "Handmade Birthday and Greeting Cards." This class promises to "...teach you how to WOW your friends and family with unique and personalized cards." To do this, "You'll learn to use rubber stamps..." I'm imagining a textbook for this class: "Step 1)Place rubber stamp directly over stamp pad and press firmly. Step 2) Place rubber stamp directly over paper and press firmly. The End." Now the really good news, it says that "No prior experience is required, just a desire to have fun." So, if you passed first grade for "social" reasons, rather than your grasp of the material, you're covered. The instructor for this class is the famous Judi Hays, who has even been featured in "The Rubber Stamper" magazine! [How to ensure that no one will ever have sex with you again: subscribe to Rubber Stamper magazine and leave copies of it lying on your coffee table.]

So I guess the quest for enlightenment continues, huh?