Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ex-husband torture

Today Sydney and I invented a fun game. Here's background: my ex has agreed in our divorce to pay child support until Zachary graduates from high school. But Zachary isn't going to graduate on time. So my ex is planning to get a court order to stop the child support in May even though Zachary will still technically be in school. So I was complaining about the financial hardship this is going to impose.

Me: :o( I need to get a 2nd job. Or something.

Sydney: that sucks! i think you just need to go give dad a swift kick in the balls!

Me: Oh I would so love to do that. Or pull out his curly hairs one by one with tweezers.

Sydney: ok, that was totally one of those laughing and being grossed out at the same time moments! YOU can pull out his hairs one by one, I'LL give him the kick in the balls. good plan, no?

Me: Excellent plan, but we should think of some way for Zachary and Hannah to join in.

Sydney: definitely...they can put pencils in his eyes or something....or shave his head...hmmm

Me: Oh that made me laugh SO HARD. Pencils in his eyes!! Shaving his head does have the advantage of being humiliating, but it wouldn't be painful. I'd maybe want to see somebody apply a binder clip to his nose. Yeah, that would work.

Sydney: yeah, because i guess we don't want to permanently damage his eyeballs, we just want him to be really uncomfortable. WAIT! i've got it! we give him a lot of medication so he passes out, then give him a tattoo!!

Me: What would he hate the most?! We could tattoo his face like a cat. Or huge erect penises on each forearm. Or something anime. Hello Kitty maybe? What do you think?

Sydney: the first thing that came to mind was "butterfly!" or i don't know...a "support the troops/american flag/pro g bush" collage??

Me: A PORTRAIT OF THE PRESIDENT. SURROUNDED BY AMERICAN FLAGS. And I like the butterfly idea.

Sydney: that is a fabulous idea! and the whole thing can be surrounded by butterflies...

Anybody else want in on this??

4 Comments:

At 5:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too funny! On the torture/tatoo front, I suggest:
(proudly emblazened on chest) FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE LISA LISA FAN CLUB, AUSTIN CHARTER.
or, along the lines of overmedication/mischief, there is always that super glue & appendage = fun!
(don't know if you care to revisit that, sorry!)
But since money seems to be his issue, blackmail is
your best torture value. Got the goods on your ex?
Your Hannah can use her legal expertise to help!
JK, feeling slightly uncomfortable

 
At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, just one more . . .
Hire the team of Harding, Gillooly & Eckardt to stake him out and whack his ankle. Then, we can observe as he sits on the curb, crying "Why? Why?"
Nah, too Hollywood. JK

 
At 1:21 AM, Anonymous syd said...

god, i am so funny it hurts.
hahaha. just kidding. YOU are, though.
<3!!!

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Monster Mama said...

I favor the shot that they gave me in the ER the other night. It sent my leg into spasm and sent a pain through my body that I can STILL feel (read my post!)......I would also include strapping him down and giving him a flu test-the up the nose with a 6 inch cotton swap which has to be left up there for 10 seconds (but I'd leave it up there for at least 30 seconds!)

 

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